Panic

My head is programmed to find solutions for almost anything. I am the Savior, that’s the self image of my brain. I am here to save my mother, my partner, my friends, all my loved ones and more. I am here to save the world. And I am convinced that I can!

Somehow that’s very convenient. I feel safe, strong, I’ve got a purpose in life and everybody will love me. And it works for a big deal. Until it doesn’t work…

Until I come to the point that it is clear that I can’t save anybody and especially not my lover. I can help her, be there for her when she needs me, but I can’t save her. I can’t give her the feet and the earth to stand on, I can’t live her life for her, and actually it is not up to me.

That is the point where I fall into this hole, this horror, this devastation. I feel failing, useless, purposeless, alone and lost in space. Total panic.
The point where I could start blaming my girlfriend for the impossible task she has given me. And how unfair it all is. And that she is the cause of my predicament.

And to be aware of this all I can see no way out, I am stuck in terror…