Negative Merging

What is the use of everything? For whom am I writing this blog? I have ZERO followers. My lover is so different then me. Sometimes it feels like living in different Universes.

I want to be seen. I NEED to be seen. And I don’t know how to ask for what I need. I just try to get it, no matter what. I am desperate. I shout out of helplessness, if not becoming a very grumpy en dangerous man.

Actually I don’t understand the term ‘Negative merging’. This also makes me angry. But I have learned that it is called this way.Another time maybe I can really write something about NM. I just want LOVE and specially from my lover!

My head is programmed to find solutions for almost anything. I am the Savior, that’s the self image of my brain. I am here to save my mother, my partner, my friends, all my loved ones and more. I am here to save the world. And I am convinced that I can!

Somehow that’s very convenient. I feel safe, strong, I’ve got a purpose in life and everybody will love me. And it works for a big deal. Until it doesn’t work…

Until I come to the point that it is clear that I can’t save anybody and especially not my lover. I can help her, be there for her when she needs me, but I can’t save her. I can’t give her the feet and the earth to stand on, I can’t live her life for her, and actually it is not up to me.

That is the point where I fall into this hole, this horror, this devastation. I feel failing, useless, purposeless, alone and lost in space. Total panic.
The point where I could start blaming my girlfriend for the impossible task she has given me. And how unfair it all is. And that she is the cause of my predicament.

And to be aware of this all I can see no way out, I am stuck in terror…

If I am honest with myself I have to admit that there is quite some fear in me, in my heart. Maybe a lack of Basic Trust or the absence of Holding. But I know that, that’s not something new. I have been working a lot with Fear, in my art, in therapy, in self-conciousness groups. I thought I’d come over it.

But she’s back, arousen by a serious health issue, that almost got me killed. But I was not afraid of dying, no, on the contrary, when it became clear to me that I had no control over my condition at all, I was ready to go. And the being ready opened a space of soft warm welcoming light. Dying became something interesting.

Being rescued by some good people and doctors I noticed that being alive actually made me afraid. Yes, afraid to die, but not afraid of death. Maybe afraid of pain, suffering, of having to let go (again), to loose everything that is precious to me.

There is a lot to be afraid of right now. The wars, the changing climate, the growing power in the hands of a few. The polarization of so many issues. I am looking for this Sanctuary, outside and inside. I will have to look for Beacons of Light